We’ve all heard the saying ‘Let Go, Let God’ . Most people (including me) equate this to mean in times of trouble or in a perplexing situation, hand over to God and He will see you right. This is not a wrong interpretation, but I’ve discovered that it has multiple application.
I’ve been listening to a message from my Pastor, Pastor Flow (COZA stand up!!!! Whoop!Whoop!!!!) titled ‘The Dynamics of Prayer’. The message is profound. But what really struck a chord was the part unforgiveness plays in holding prayers in abeyance. This is not new, we have to forgive others so we can be forgiven. I’ve known this since Sunday School, so no biggie. BUT, I had never really examined the issue of forgiving someone and what it entails. Let me give you a little background about my kind of person. I’m very quick to anger. Extremely quick. I get angry and say anything that comes to my mind. Once I’ve said my piece, the red mist evaporates and I’m done. At the moment when I’m angry, I absolutely detest the person who has caused the anger but when I’m done, I rarely ever keep grudges. I’ve always operated on this knowledge of myself. So I pray and ignore forgiveness, cos after all, I don’t ‘hold’ people.
Something happened at work yesterday that combined with the message I’ve been listening to and my devotional today, caused me to re-assess forgiveness and how I justify it.
From my description of myself, I take very minimal crap from anybody. I don’t really fear people and I would ordinarily avoid a confrontation but if it ever comes down to it, I am not above a ‘verbal’ ass-whooping. Lol. This abrasive character was borne out of the fact that I was bullied in Junior school and I swore it would never happen again. Let’s leave that aside and go to what happened at work yesterday.
I got into work, said hello to everyone including a senior colleague who came in behind me. I went about my business. A short while later, a friend of mine asked if the senior colleague spoke to me. I said no and she said she was saying (behind my back) that she should have sent me home cos I was wearing a light brown skirt.
I literally blew my top! I'm like this steeewwwwpid woman. But madam cherry, that’s a trivial issue now. Well, I agree. It is trivial. But when taken in the context of the fact that
- The colleague in question was wearing a bright red shirt and looked decidedly unprofessional
- I have been told repeatedly that I’m the most professionally dressed female in the firm.
- I have a strong sense of occasion (and style....if I do say so myself...lol)
- Brown is a universally accepted somber color
- This colleague attempts to frustrate all the single, younger ladies in the firm
- There is no handbook so the issue of color is decided on the whims and caprices of the more senior staff .
- The colleague in question has told me categorically, even though she tried to mask it as a joke, that she didn't want me working in the firm
- And many more
then, it is no longer trivial and becomes a person picking on me. I don’t tolerate that. I fumed to my seat with the potential conversation we would have playing in my head. I kept hoping the confrontation would not take place because I couldn’t see it boding well for the two of us. There was no way I would have come across as polite in that conversation. I would have dressed her down and damned the consequences. The confrontation never happened. She didn’t say anything to me.I went home and was still fuming. I told my sister and cousin what happened whilst fuming. My sister jokingly called me a ‘Ja-Rule’ our inside joke for fighters. We laughed it off and it was a wrap.
This morning, I was doing my morning devotion and the devotional talked about the little things we consider insignificant that pulls us away from God. The Holy Spirit ministered to me and I related that to what happened yesterday and the message I was listening to. I realised I was still ‘holding’ her and a couple of people. My theory about me was wrong after all. I asked God to forgive me and teach me how to forgive and let people go, specifically her. I thought: well, that’s the end of that. But this same morning, whilst getting dressed, I devised in my mind, a plan to wear a light brown suit to work next Monday, JUST to get a rise out of my colleague and watch her come and tell me a suit is not professional. I realised I still hadn’t let her go!!!!!!!
I’m like ‘phew...this Christianity lark is HAAAARRRRRDDDDD’. Right then, the Holy Spirit told me that being Christ like is not hard, it is the ability to show humility that is my challenge. Furthermore, the Holy Spirit pointed out that Jesus said if we’re slapped on one cheek, we should turn the other, not swing back. My problem, and I’m sure it is the same with a lot of people, is my massive ego. My ego tells me I’m being taken advantage of and it is because I’m being quiet and to show people my ‘true colour’. But that so called ‘true colour’ is not me...at least, it is not who I want to be any longer. Not that I will be all sluggish and crap, but I want to be able to live peaceable with all men as much as it is possible. To achieve this, I have to be able to humble myself and let go of infractions that I inflate in my head, thanks to my ego. I realised that only when I let go of these things, can I truly be free to let God in to teach me how to love and forgive as He intended; not the surface crap I have always done that has the potential to hold my prayers in abeyance.