We’ve all heard the saying ‘Let Go, Let God’ . Most people
(including me) equate this to mean in times of trouble or in a perplexing
situation, hand over to God and He will
see you right. This is not a wrong interpretation, but I’ve discovered that it
has multiple application.
I’ve been listening to a message from my Pastor, Pastor Flow
(COZA stand up!!!! Whoop!Whoop!!!!) titled ‘The Dynamics of Prayer’. The
message is profound. But what really struck a chord was the part unforgiveness plays
in holding prayers in abeyance. This is not new, we have to forgive others so
we can be forgiven. I’ve known this since Sunday School, so no biggie. BUT, I
had never really examined the issue of forgiving someone and what it entails.
Let me give you a little background about my kind of person. I’m very quick to
anger. Extremely quick. I get angry and say anything that comes to my mind.
Once I’ve said my piece, the red mist evaporates and I’m done. At the moment
when I’m angry, I absolutely detest the person who has caused the anger but
when I’m done, I rarely ever keep grudges.
I’ve always operated on this knowledge of myself. So I pray and ignore
forgiveness, cos after all, I don’t ‘hold’ people.
Something happened at work yesterday that combined with the
message I’ve been listening to and my devotional today, caused me to re-assess
forgiveness and how I justify it.
From my description of myself, I take very minimal crap from
anybody. I don’t really fear people and I would ordinarily avoid a
confrontation but if it ever comes down to it, I am not above a ‘verbal’
ass-whooping. Lol. This abrasive character
was borne out of the fact that I was bullied in Junior school and I swore it
would never happen again. Let’s leave that aside and go to what happened at
work yesterday.
I got into work, said hello to everyone including a senior
colleague who came in behind me. I went
about my business. A short while later, a friend of mine asked if the senior
colleague spoke to me. I said no and she said she was saying (behind my back) that she should have sent me
home cos I was wearing a light brown skirt.
I literally blew my top! I'm like this steeewwwwpid woman. But madam cherry, that’s a trivial
issue now. Well, I agree. It is trivial. But when taken in the context of the
fact that
- The colleague in question was wearing a bright red shirt and looked decidedly unprofessional
- I have been told repeatedly that I’m the most professionally dressed female in the firm.
- I have a strong sense of occasion (and style....if I do say so myself...lol)
- Brown is a universally accepted somber color
- This colleague attempts to frustrate all the single, younger ladies in the firm
- There is no handbook so the issue of color is decided on the whims and caprices of the more senior staff .
- The colleague in question has told me categorically, even though she tried to mask it as a joke, that she didn't want me working in the firm
- And many more
then, it is no longer trivial and becomes a person picking on me. I don’t tolerate that. I fumed to my seat with the potential conversation we would have playing in my head. I kept hoping the confrontation would not take place because I couldn’t see it boding well for the two of us. There was no way I would have come across as polite in that conversation. I would have dressed her down and damned the consequences. The confrontation never happened. She didn’t say anything to me.I went home and was still fuming. I told my sister and cousin what happened whilst fuming. My sister jokingly called me a ‘Ja-Rule’ our inside joke for fighters. We laughed it off and it was a wrap.
This morning, I was doing my morning devotion and the
devotional talked about the little things we consider insignificant that pulls
us away from God. The Holy Spirit ministered to me and I related that to what
happened yesterday and the message I was listening to. I realised I was still ‘holding’
her and a couple of people. My theory about me was wrong after all. I asked God
to forgive me and teach me how to forgive and let people go, specifically
her. I thought: well, that’s the end of
that. But this same morning, whilst getting dressed, I devised in my mind, a
plan to wear a light brown suit to work next Monday, JUST to get a rise out of
my colleague and watch her come and tell me a suit is not professional. I
realised I still hadn’t let her go!!!!!!!
I’m like ‘phew...this Christianity lark is HAAAARRRRRDDDDD’.
Right then, the Holy Spirit told me that being Christ like is not hard, it is
the ability to show humility that is my challenge. Furthermore, the Holy Spirit
pointed out that Jesus said if we’re slapped on one cheek, we should turn the
other, not swing back. My problem, and I’m sure it is the same with a lot of
people, is my massive ego. My ego tells me I’m being taken advantage of and it
is because I’m being quiet and to show people my ‘true colour’. But that so
called ‘true colour’ is not me...at least, it is not who I want to be any
longer. Not that I will be all sluggish and crap, but I want to be able to live peaceable with all men as much as it is possible. To achieve this, I have to be able to
humble myself and let go of infractions that I inflate in my head, thanks to my
ego. I realised that only when I let go of these things, can I truly be free to
let God in to teach me how to love and
forgive as He intended; not the surface crap I have always done that has the
potential to hold my prayers in abeyance.
